[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral