Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.