Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Put the is in disheveled

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.