[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Leaving the Barbers like
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.