Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.