Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

thoughts?