Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.