Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth