Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

When someone trying to leave me

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.