[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
This makes total sense…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher