[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
