[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Denise please return my vape pen