[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.