Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.