Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.