(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with