Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I think my husband is beginning to suspect