[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Safety first
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff