Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!