Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

i actually laughed 😩

me refusing to leave twitter

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

pizza

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A