Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much