Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking