Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?