Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.