Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress