Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

(True)

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby