Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL