Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.