Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.