Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”