Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I have a new favorite meme page

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…