Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Talk about a bad egg
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast