Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Limited budget
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.