Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?