I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Oh good, now it is snowing”
– If I lived in a snow globe.