Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

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I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.


Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.


[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case


A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.


Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?


Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.