Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You Might Also Like
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.