Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Proctology is located in A55

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”