Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion