Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
(True)
In Canada they just call them geese
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol