Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

can’t catch a break

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist