Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic paper towel dispenser
N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
Adored by women
Unfollowed by cat magazine.
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Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?