Adored by women
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous


Unfollowed by cat magazine.

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Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.


[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.


*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner


Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine


During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..


When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.


If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.


Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.


5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.