@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

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@MrIceMachine

Automatic flusher
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic sink
Automatic paper towel dispenser

N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@VodkaTiem

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@ibid78

Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@panmidwest

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?