Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*