Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B