Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
i guess his teacher was really pissed
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.