Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying