Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Do not go gentle into that good night,
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
