Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese