FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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Big Sex has us all fooled
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The United Steaks of America
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?