FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
You Might Also Like
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.