@Pro_Jones_

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

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@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@therealeatwood

PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No

@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@Book_Krazy

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

@Richman_89

I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.

@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

@prodigalsam

Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.

@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@TweetsByBilal

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.