YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family
EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?
PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.