Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.