Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”