Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”