Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.