Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*