Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just having fun

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway