Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula