Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat