@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

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@chuuew

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet

@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@funnyfries

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

@HannahAntics

30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

@iAmDelFreaky

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.