Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops
TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
You Might Also Like
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me, an intellectual: uncle
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.