FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego


To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.


ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes


I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.


30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.


In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.