@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

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@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

@jjhartinger

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

@tchrquotes

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@rynbtmn

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

@TitansHomer

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@Brianhopecomedy

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.