*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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This bar smells like my childhood.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years