@BlindVigil

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

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@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.

@junejuly12

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower