*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

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If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.


Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts


If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?


Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.


Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.


Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!


Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes


god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan


I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.


No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower