*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Fries, not lies.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
OH. COME. ON.