Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.