Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.