Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

rest in peas

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.