Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel