Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.