Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.