Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it