Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Bread puns are on the rise!

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

out-housing market appears to be strong

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Finally

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.