Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.