[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.