[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Google assistant rules
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*skinny dips into black hole
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically